Somebody close to me the other day said have ever considered divine union as an internal process. The answer when I thought about it was yes. Every day. Twice on Friday night, three times on Sunday. It’s the question I’ve been asking myself for a long time. How to make that internal shift that makes everything fall into place. To find the right energetic frequency, to say the right thing, to complete the necessary actions. Through so much of it I’ve felt lost in a mirror maze trying to find my way home. To make something big enough with my heart that it would all fall into place even if I made mistakes along the way. I’ve hidden away so many of the personal posts now to focus on the story. But I felt like I needed to write this today as I grapple with finishing #45.
Is there a God up there that makes sure we get where we belong? Is our victory assured if we believe and act with our hearts? Is there a reward at the end for staying the course? Through all of the struggles and turmoil and painful moments? Is destiny real and can we dance with it? And if we can how do we get there? There aren’t any maps here. Most of the scenery exists without explanation. The divine writer of our lives is never quite in plain view and speaks in sign language. Those magic moments when you know and understand that something greater is at work. Is there a place where prayers are answered? Is God listening right now?
I have sacrificed so much to get here. So much pain along the way. Waking up as something else after almost dying has been challenging to say the least. Beating cancer was easy by comparison. Imagine being able to feel other people so strongly that when they cry you do too. I’ve stood alone in my kitchen giddy and felt another person stomach flipping in love, unable to touch or even speak to them. Friday was one of the hardest days in my life because no one took credit for it. There were no hands officially raised. They didn’t even text to say how much they loved me. It again occurred without explanation so after experiencing that for most of the day it became pain. A deep burning desire to reach the other half of myself or die trying. At times hurling myself into the sun seemed like a worthwhile alternative to everything I ever wanted being just out of reach.
We live in a whole new world which seems like an alien landscape to me. All of our communication systems have been hijacked arguably by a man who keeps barbecue sauce on a bookshelf. We no longer express love in the same ways that we did. Everything has become digitized and many times frighteningly lacks the things we need as human beings to survive. People sharing love in any fashion is a beautiful thing. But it’s all become so much more complicated and someone forgot to send me the instruction manual. As a physical love language Scorpio Googling potential emoji meanings is a unique struggle. Emojis don’t hug back and as of yet, they haven’t even called me on the phone. Social media is as much a place to share as it is to hide. Just leave clues over here and over there which prevents being entirely emotionally vulnerable. It’s like a digital treasure hunt and the prize my reunification.
What a strange world we’ve built for ourselves. The game of love played in digital streets. There has been so much loss on this journey. I would like to get something back now. A divine counterpart seems like a lot to ask for but is it really? Love is the only thing that matters. It’s why we were are here. So I wish the other half of myself would do something that I understood so that there can finally be peace in this storm. If I had to lose everything is it too much to ask to get something back. To not fall asleep wanting while trying calculating potential meanings. A rainbow at the end of the journey. Happiness in knowing that I reached the place that I belong. To not have to solve digital puzzles anymore. I pray every day for this and send love to all of you on a similar journey. Because I have learned how hard it can be to reach your soulmate or twin. And if she is out there somewhere reading this now I hope there is a phone in her hand and she remembers how to send messages because the internal process became an inferno a long time ago.