fbpx

(For now, the real story of how I got here will remain hidden. It’s too personal for me right now. Most people wouldn’t believe it anyway. I’m just ready for the good part. I give it to God to watch over. I wrote most of this a year ago. It’s strange to read the title right now.)

A large transparent sphere raced through the blackness of space. It shimmered like a soap bubble as the air around it crackled with a strangely unnerving static. A light white trail of smoke stretched out in space behind the incredible machine. There were two figures inside who appeared to be standing on an invisible floor and what a sight they were to behold. The smoke drifting out of the back of the ship was coming from a large muscular gentleman wearing size 17 rental bowling shoes, crisp black slacks, and a sequined bowling shirt that looked like fire and glistened like the sun. Where his head should have been was a large black mass of smoke that appeared to drift out of the flames of his shirt. Stranger still, he was smoking a non-filter cigarette while lacking all discernable lips and the smoke just trailed out behind him into space. There was a gold metallic bowling bag at his feet with swooshing white accents. A gelatinous mass of space goo slowly slid down the side of the bag as if it had just landed there moments earlier.

Or later, or it hasn’t happened yet, or it did a long time ago, or maybe will someday. It’s not really clear “when” is in this particular scenario. Not everyone operates in a straight line and these two are clearly something else entirely. The smoke-headed man’s traveling partner was a vision straight out of one of those old Earth movies they used to show on the Allnet. The ultimate elven cheerleader from hell dressed in a leather mini skirt partially made of frozen tree branches which were also mysteriously covered in the same goo. In fact, that goo had been unceremoniously liberated from the torso of a gigantic space monster that had eaten a spaceship. With a snap of her finger, an energy sword the size of an 18-wheeler effortlessly crashed through the hulking monstrosity as tentacles started drifting slowly off into space. Her facial expression never changed, just another day at the office.

Off in the distance ahead of their impossible ship was an incredible surge of energy which crackled like lightning as a pair of enormous spinning rings erupted into the fabric of space. The smoke-headed man raised his hand as if to touch an invisible control panel which immediately turned the transparent orb into an opaque ball that accelerated rapidly straight into the wildly spinning rings and then there was a bright flash and the ship was gone. Mrs. McNeilly would later scold her son Timmy and his friends after they made up an elaborate story about a big orb that appeared over by the railroad tracks while they were outside playing. There were would be no fibbers in her house!

Nobody even seemed to notice when that same red fireball started flying along the power lines headed straight for town. Nope nobody even noticed. It was almost like folks couldn’t see it. The craft finally came to rest next to the road at the top of the hill above main street before becoming transparent again. Everything was eerily silent as the smoke-headed man stepped out of the orb carrying that golden bowling ball bag. He lit another cigarette which seemed quite impossible given his head was made of smoke anyway as he casually strolled towards the center of the road seemingly entirely unconcerned with being detected.

He strolled out into the center of the road with a swagger rarely seen this side of the veil and placed the gleaming bag on the centerline. There was a stillness in the air that was palpable. As if the whole world was watching and took a deep breath. Aunt Edna would later tell the attendees of the church picnic that she had seen an impossible man bowling on the road into town and the other ladies would laugh and say, “Oh Edna. have some more Jello salad.” Nobody would listen to Aunt Edna after she had claimed to see a high-speed leprechaun out behind the mulberry bush.

He slowly pulled back the zipper as bright light began pouring out of the opening, it was almost blinding. As if by magic a metallic gleaming golden bowling ball floated up into the man’s hand. It was a spectacular sight. He tested the weight of it in his hand while looking over at his beautiful traveling companion as she nodded approvingly. His bowling swing could quite arguably be described as angelic and graceful reached a crescendo and the golden bowling ball went rolling down the hill into town at an incredible speed.

Unbeknownst to anyone the events which occurred next would undoubtedly save the world, bring people together, and drive out the darkness from humanity’s future. The ice cream truck was never the same again and some of the townsfolk would only speak about it in hushed whispers. This was a story for another time though. The sound of car alarm sirens were heard in the distance. A few moments later the golden ball came flew back into the man’s hand and he leaned over to kiss it reverently before placing it back in the bag and pulling closed the zipper. He walked back to the orb slowly and stopped momentarily to slap his partner firmly on the ass. There was a buzzing sound and reached up and touched where his ear should be as if listening to something. He made some complex hand signs at his partner. Moments later the orb would lift off the ground and begin flying next to the powerlines at incredible speeds.

The sound of car alarms could still be heard in the distance followed by loud sirens. If you were to ask someone what happened later they would describe it as a divine intervention of mind-boggling complexity. There was a burned circle in the grass where the orb had come to rest and the local news would even interview Aunt Edna for the morning edition. A local group of lightworkers would visit to cast powerful protection spells and the local Shriner’s would make this the starting point of the inaugural soapbox derby. Everyone would later rejoice because the whole world would be saved and the dark shadows chased away in a delightful divine utopia. But this was a story for another time.