I keep trying to get back to the story in the Ship’s Log and that has proved to be a difficult thing to do. A few weeks ago I had a vision of where it is the white light balls come from. It was the most amazing thing and it is so crazy that most people will think it’s fiction which is honestly perfect because I’ve learned that being “weird” scares the fuck out of people. But I have been through so much trauma in the course of the journey I’ve been on, after throwing myself to the Universe, that it’s still hard to sit here and write it down. I escape most days by the skin of my teeth. I’ve been doing a lot of fishing and I’ve gotten a lot of sun. Just holding on for dear life is all I can manage most of the time. I have prayed for death while wading through a nightmare.
This year turned out to be the most impossible, heartbreaking, traumatic year of my life. I have seen something nobody wants to believe and carry a weight inside me that breaks me almost every day. Something timeless. I lost count of the number of days I’ve been on the floor. There are some things you can’t unsee and hearts never forget. And there were horrible things I had to see along the way. It was a year or two ago at one of my cancer checkups when a male nurse saw me and said “You are one of those people, I knew it as soon as I saw you”. He knew I had come back changed and had all sorts of useful information on how to deal with it. We like to tell ourselves things happen by accident but so many times that’s just not the case. I was so grateful to find a medical professional who understood me. I only ever came halfway back and most people will never understand what that means.
There are clearly moments in all our lives where we have seen things like this happen. This entire blog is a byproduct of such events. The moment it becomes clear that we are dancing and not merely plodding through life. I just wish the dance I’m in currently would get better. Why does it have to be so painful sometimes? The empath in me lives on the razor’s edge of agony and ecstasy. Everything I’ve ever wanted is right inside me and always just out of reach in the physical world. I have seen what comes before and what comes after but nobody believes me. Which is extremely troubling because I was right. Right about all of it. Turn on your TVs. The world is burning just like I said it would and just like a lot of other people said it would. I stood in front of an airplane for someone. Woke up from horrible nightmares for hundreds of nights in a row for them, and even they don’t want to believe it. Or should I say the people around them don’t want them to believe it? I’ve got bad news for everyone, we’re not in Kansas anymore.
Recently I witnessed an astonishing sequence of events that could only be called an Act of God. Something so mind-bogglingly complex that it must have been programmed by a supercomputer. The picture above is further proof of this. I wrote the first part of this post back on August 31st and never finished it. After what could arguably be called the craziest week of my life, and boy I’ve had some doozies, this picture is a punchline that left me speechless. It was a clever Morrigan you never call me anymore reference but now it means something even more impossible. The blond bombshell, the ring, the raven, the tower, and the rocks. I don’t even know what to say. I had all these thoughts in my head that I was going to write down for this post and boom my brain…total overload. Even what I wrote has a whole new meaning. There is no fucking spoon my friends. I wish I could write down some of the things I’ve seen and experienced. Just know that I’ve been really busy and arguably impossible things are happening repeatedly.
Someone up there has been pulling a lot of levers recently and given what has happening I’m more than a little worried about what is coming next. And I sure hope it was worth getting my heart torn out repeatedly this year. I hope the price I had to pay was worth it. The amount of energy going through me in the last month has been extraordinary. Sometimes I can’t stand up. And the question again is what is happening in the bigger picture to need someone like me to begin with? It’s time for everyone to wake up out there. After the week I’ve had, there is no doubt God is real and somebody in the planning department should figure out how to make miracles less painful. I desperately need someone in my life now willing to help put the pieces of me back together. Somewhere out there is my hot date to the Apocalypse and I’m going to find her. Stay safe my friends because there is one of those winds blowing and divine intervention is the new black.