#25 How to Defend Yourself With a Spatula

A ninja holding a spatula menacingly for #25 How to Defend Yourself With a Spatula

“Did that just happen? Minivan spaceship monks?” questioned Cole who was now standing beside me looking quite stunned.

“I think so. I can’t believe I just won something so huge. My luck used to be terrible. And who do you call when you need custom purple velvet spaceship interiors?” I replied floundering under the weight of the absurdity of what we just witnessed. I open the envelope and find a turquoise-blue quartz crystal necklace on a leather cord, a small brushed metal card, and a handwritten note of exquisite quality that says:

Congratulations on your good fortune. You may redeem your funds at a financial institution of your choosing with the access card. The ticket has chosen you for a greater purpose that is beyond our comprehension at this time. Let the winds of the universe blow you in its direction. Wear the crystal always as it will protect you on this journey. May wisdom and fortune shine upon your path.

Sincerely,

Lord Kularcan

The crystal has a metallic purple shimmering quality to it and I can feel it pulsing in my hand. I pulled the cord over my head and there was a surge of energy that quickly faded into the background. The crystal exerts an almost magnetic pull to my body as I hand the note to Cole who then shares it with Walt and Steve. You could hear a pin drop right about now. Stunned silence is becoming the norm around here which is a scary thought. How much crazier can this funhouse ride get? I’m standing on a spaceship, in the future, with someone who looks like Bigfoot, and for a moment we were not the weirdest guys in the room. Where do you even start with a problem like that?

“We should probably find out who this Lord Kularcan guy is, just to be safe,” muttered Cole who was inspecting my giant cardboard check. “Let’s go check on the shipment from Eeeara while we are down here.”

“There are four more mysterious lottery tickets sitting on my bed down in the Biolab that we should probably investigate as well.”

It only takes a few minutes of walking to reach the correct hanger bay for the shipment. Two very large metallic shipping boxes are sitting in the middle of a room filled with an endless array of boxes. Cole punches a code into a small keypad on one of the boxes which causes some whooshing sounds as the lid raises by itself.

“Spatulas! What the fuck are we going to do with SPATULAS!” shouted Cole who was now quickly opening the other box. “I’ve got great news, our rainy day weapons resupply is made up entirely of spatulas. Jerry can you read me, get Eeeara on the comms right away, we’ve got a problem.”

He isn’t kidding. The boxes are stocked to the brim with every type of spatula you could imagine. Short spatulas, long spatulas, serrated spatulas, and slotted spatulas. Somewhere in the universe right now are some very lonely pancakes in desperate need of a good flipping. Walt and Steve waste no time in selecting a couple of large serrated barbecue spatulas as they begin to mock attack each other. The mock attacks quickly turn into armed combat practice as spatulas begin whistling through the air and narrowly missing exposed body parts. A fast rhythm of clanging echoes around the room as the two monsters square off. I better back away from this mess before it gets out of control. Spatula of that size could easily separate limbs with the amount of force currently behind it.

“Ensign Cole, what can I do for you honey, hope you’ve been taking good care of my new boyfriend,” said the voice of Eeeara which was now coming over a speaker in the room.

“I asked you to stock up the armory, not the kitchen. Please explain to me why our guns are all spatulas,” replied Cole who was trying to keep his inside thoughts from escaping.

“Oh no, those idiots,” exclaimed Eeeara who began shouting at someone else in the room. “I’ll be right back.”

The sounds of screaming and objects being thrown can clearly be heard over the speakers before the microphone is muted. Cole has his head in his hands and doesn’t notice what’s going around him. The spatula battle has suddenly stopped and now Walt is carving a bullseye in a heavy wooden shipping container that looks like it has been sitting there forever. Walt raises the index finger of his right hand and thoughtfully shakes it at Steve before selecting a large spatula from the box. He flips it in his hand for a short time and then tosses it at the bullseye with tremendous force. I would describe the heavy thud as slightly bowel loosening in its auditory horror. Half of the spatula blade has disappeared into the wood directly in the center of the bullseye. A new game has just been invented and spatulas begin flying through the air with disturbing rapidity.

After the bullseye is sufficiently full, Walt and Steve begin pulling the spatulas out of what’s left of the shipping container. Walt attempts to pull the last deeply embedded spatula out of the container and there is a loud cracking noise. The wooden side tears away from the rest of the container while remaining on the end of the spatula which Walt now holds like a trophy. Steve gives Walt the thumbs up sign and then Walt throws the whole thing down with a crash before lighting one of those weird smelling cigars in celebration. Steve goes over to stand on the broken pieces of wood and then gives me the thumbs up as well. They both seem quite proud of the destruction.

“You guys could teach a master class on how to defend yourself with a spatula,” I said, astounded by the level of destruction caused by flying spatulas.

“Holy crap!” I hear Cole exclaim before he jumps up to inspect the broken container. He pulls out a large alien-looking assault rifle from the crate. The weapon suddenly comes to life, blue lights dart over its gleaming surface and it makes a short shrill whirring sound like a turbine spinning up. “Our problem has just been solved. This is way better than what Eeeara would have gotten us and the box is full of them. How long has this been sitting down here and how did we not know?”

Walt and Steve both shrug and raise their palms in the universal sign of how the hell should we know. Both of them begin rummaging in the container as the voice of Eeeara comes back over the speaker in the room.

“Sorry about, had a few things to….clear up. Let me know the next time you guys touch down and I’ll get this sorted out for you,” stated Eeeara who was apologetic yet clearly a little irritated. “Make sure to bring your new friend, I’m getting lonely down here.”

“No worries, it turned out to be exactly what we needed, we’ll be keeping a few of the spatulas and you can have the rest back. Talk to you soon, ” replied Cole before disconnecting. “Who’s hungry for pancakes?”

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