“HEY! Wake up! We’ve got to get back to the ship,” said a shadowy outline who was now shaking me.
“Globba looba naa,” I reply before realizing that my mouth no longer worked correctly. Tiny daggers of light are attempting to pry off the top of my skull in an exquisite pain orgy that could probably be performed more subtly with sharpened screwdrivers. The world around me is a spinning mass of blurred shapes and…..monsters……are those monsters? Someone else is speaking but the words are now moving too slowly to become sentences like a dictionary read aloud on an event horizon. My face feels sticky but my hands are unable to investigate this because they’ve apparently gone on vacation with my tongue.
One of the monsters is picking me up now. I am unable to stop him because none of my limbs are working. The giant hairy beast is probably carrying me back to his lair where I will become the next meal. “Weez blelp nonstars” I to call out to anyone who will listen but they don’t appear to understand me. This must be some kind of screwed up nightmare because a giant praying mantis is tweaking my buttcheeks, probably checking the soft parts for edibility first. Oh my god, what was that, a knuckle? We are moving now and keeping my stomach contents in its allotted location is becoming increasingly difficult as the spinning gets worse. The beast beneath me is laughing now. He must happy about his free meal.
The beast carries me outside and I can feel the cool air on my gummy face. It drapes my body over a railing as all manner of madness begins pouring out of my poorly functioning mouth-hole. There is a deep churning somewhere below as it feels like everything inside me is being turned out onto the ground for all to see. An enormous gray bird comes closer to me, it must be waiting for me to die so it can eat whatever is left. The beak of this amazing creature opens and closes as it appears to be taunting me before my final demise, which must be close, as it is reaching for me now. Something is jammed under my nose which smells curiously like burning garbage and regret as I feel a feathery hand strike me firmly in the face. Stars explode into my field of vision as my ears begin reorienting towards more words.
“We need to get moving, you need to get it together, Jerry just picked up a comms transmission from an inbound ship. There was chatter about a strange human and our location was given. Someone else must know you’re here,” said a scruffy looking red-haired gentleman with a concerned look on his face.
“Baloop-a-loop slemchor…” I tried to reply, still unable to speak.
“Pick him up and let’s get moving. Anton is going to meet us halfway. We need to move quickly and be ready for trouble,” he said to the monsters who were now shaking their heads clearly upset that their meal was about to interrupted.
The giant hairy monster threw me back over his shoulder and began carrying me towards an awful cacophony of electronic screeching which threatened my delicate grasp on consciousness. I remember now, the spaceship, and these monsters are my new friends. At least they aren’t going to eat me, but if we get any closer to those strobing lights, it might feel like they did. We are running now, back into the street party, which again scrambles to get out of our way. Someone let out a scream behind us and flashes of light begin flying by our heads as showers of sparks rain down out of exploding digital signs. Someone else is yelling and I remember now the bad feeling I had about that laser pistol.
It was at this point I saw the first alien that sort of looked like the gray ones I used to see on TV only with a longer skull and smaller eyes. He ran past us straight towards the source of the attack. He was dodging around the incoming fire like everything was in slow motion. There was a look of complete serenity on his face like this was just another day at the office. The sound of screaming began to multiply as everyone around us started looking for an exit. The explosions and falling sparks illuminate an already surreal landscape with a menacing glow. Walt just kept running until we got back to the loading ramp. He sat me down inside the door and ran back towards the chaos. Everyone else must still be out there somewhere but my legs still will not work. I soon found myself sliding down the wall as remaining upright became impossible.
Out of the corner of my eye there is movement. Someone is in here with me. A small hand grabs me by the wrist and begins dragging me up the ramp. I’m able to turn my head enough to see who is doing the dragging and another one of those impossible sights swims into view. The creature dragging me looks exactly like a child-sized garden gnome complete with long white beard and red hat. He is muttering to himself while he drags me up the long ramp, huffing and puffing as he goes, sweat beading on his brow. Whatever was in those drinks must have been pretty powerful because I’m being rescued by a garden gnome. All my fears of being dead come crashing back to me as my stomach begins churning again.
Despite his small size, he is able to drag me up the ramp. I can hear the explosions getting closer now. He reaches into his leather trousers and pulls out a long smoking pipe which he uses to reach the button for the door before pulling me inside the ship. There was a twinkle in his eyes as he looked down at me while shaking his head. I hear him grumbling to himself again before running back down the ramp and out into the crowd. I thought the things happening to me before I woke up in space were weird but now garden gnome rescue? The insanity of it all has grabbed another gear apparently and all I can do is ride this crazy train to its destination.
After what felt like a lifetime, the door slid open again and the rest of the team came barreling through with the gray alien, amidst a volley of return fire. Much profanity was uttered in those few moments before the door closed. I could hear the wall sizzle as the shots landed but moving out of the way was still not an option. Getting drunk in space is apparently goddamn dangerous. The garden gnome who rescued me is not with them. My stomach churns again as the ship comes awake beneath me. There is laughter in the hallway as the blackness rises up to claim me.